We Don’t Hold a Candle to the Insults of Yesterday

We remember a lot of things from years past, but you know what doesn’t get enough attention? The insults. From baseball players calling out the president to Margaret Thatcher’s views on men, here are some of the greatest roasts throughout history.  

Oliver F. Atkins on Wikimedia

1. Mark Twain on Pride and Prejudice 

Beloved novel Pride and Prejudice wasn’t exactly beloved by everyone. Mark Twain allegedly expressed his disdain towards Jane Austen, admitting that he often wanted to criticize her but would get so overcome with rage that he couldn’t do it without looking crazy. That didn’t stop him from saying, “Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

Napoleon Sarony on Wikimedia

2. Elizabeth Taylor on Male Costars

Elizabeth Taylor saw more than her fair share of costars throughout her career, and she wasn’t shy about revealing her favorite ones. In a 1981 interview with The Times, she confessed, “[...] On reflection, I reckon some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”

Studio publicity still on Wikimedia

3. Truman Capote on Typists

The literary world is rife with memorable insults, and Truman Capote threw his hat in the ring more than once. In a series of interviews throughout the late 1950s, he criticized several writers, namely Colin Wilson, for their style—or lack thereof. “But yes, there is such an animal as a nonstylist. Only they’re not writers. They’re typists. Sweaty typists blacking up pounds of Bond with formless, eyeless, earless messages.” 

New York World-Telegram and the Sun staff photographer: Higgins, Roger, photographer. on Wikimedia

4. Abraham Lincoln’s Self-Burn

Sometimes the best insults are directed at oneself. Abraham Lincoln wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass him by during the Lincoln-Douglas debates in 1858. When he was accused by Senator Stephen Douglas of being two-faced, he replied, “If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

Alexander Gardner on Wikimedia

5. Babe Ruth vs. President Hoover

Athletes rake in a lot of money for a season, especially superstars like Babe Ruth—and he was ready to defend the numbers. In a famous 1930 interview, Ruth signed an $80,000 contract (roughly $1.4 million today). When asked whether he deserved to make more than President Hoover, he replied, “Why not? I had a better year than he did.”

Underwood & Underwood on Wikimedia

6. The Vatican’s Work Ethic

You wouldn’t expect a pope to be so blunt, but John Paul XXIII didn’t pull any punches with this quick-witted response. When asked how many people work in the Vatican, he simply responded, “About half.” 

Aleteia Image Department on Wikimedia

7. Victor Hugo on Napoleon

Napoleon may have considered himself a great man, but not everyone shared the sentiment. Of Napoleon, famous author and essayist Victor Hugo (notable for his 1800s novels The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and Les Misérables) once said, “God was bored by him.”

Étienne Carjat on Wikimedia

8. Muhammad Ali on Education

It’s not every day you get advice from Muhammad Ali, though you may have to squint to see the inspiration in this quote. "Stay in college, get the knowledge, stay there until you are through. If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something of you."

AP Wirephoto on Wikimedia

9. Nabokov Wasn’t a Hemingway Fan

Nabokov wasn’t a man to sugarcoat anything, certainly not his feelings towards other writers. Though Hemingway has garnered more than a few fans, Nabokov definitely wasn’t one of them; in a 1967 interview with Alfred Appel Jr., he said, “As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early 40s, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it.”

Giuseppe Pino (Mondadori Publishers) on Wikimedia

10. He Didn’t Like Henry James Either

Henry James wasn’t safe from Nabokov either, even if the insult was tucked in a 1952 letter to Edmund Wilson. He plainly wrote, “I have not read a book (save for a collection of Henry James’ short stories—miserable stuff, a complete fake, you ought to debunk that pale porpoise and his plush vulgarities some day) nor written a word since I left Cambridge.” 

John Singer Sargent (died 1925) on Wikimedia

11. Christopher Hitchens on Our True Nature

Christopher Hitchens was many things: an author, a journalist, and an unabashed speaker best known for his views on politics and religion. Of the many memorable things he said, perhaps most notable was his quote from God Is Not Great. “My own view is that this planet is used as a penal colony, lunatic asylum and dumping ground by a superior civilization, to get rid of the undesirable and unfit. I can't prove it, but you can't disprove it either."

ensceptico on Wikimedia

12. King Edward VIII on American Parenting

We all have something to say about “kids today,” but King Edward VIII made his opinion pretty clear: “The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.” You wouldn’t have to look far to find someone who agreed today.

Lafayette on Wikimedia

13. Margaret Thatcher on Men vs. Women

Say what you want about Margaret Thatcher, she was still Britain’s first female prime minister by 1979. That accomplishment undoubtedly inspired her famous quote: “If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.” 

Marion S. Trikosko on Wikimedia

14. 4th Earl of Sandwich and Samuel Foote

Often misattributed to John Wilkes, this famous retort actually came from Samuel Foote. In a conversation between him and John Montagu, Lord Sandwich mused, “I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think you must either die of the pox, or the halter.” Foote immediately responded, “That will depend upon one of two contingencies—whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles.”

Thomas Gainsborough on Wikimedia

15. Winston Churchill Discusses Politics

When you think about the best burns in history, you likely think about Winston Churchill. With no shortage of options to choose from, one of his best comes from his thoughts on politicians. “Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.”

Yousuf Karsh on Wikimedia

16. Charlotte Whitton on Women’s Luck

Women have long spoken out about their injustices, least of all in comparison to men, and Canadian politician Charlotte Whitton was no exception. Her most attributed quote is, “Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

Harris & Ewing on Wikimedia

17. Noël Coward Almost Looks Like a Man

The writers strike again, this time in the form of a quick-witted response against modern fashion choices. Edna Ferber was known to wear tailored suits long before they became the norm, and when Coward quipped, “You look almost like a man,” she responded, “So do you.”

Theatre Magazine Company; Nickolas Muray, photographer on Wikimedia

18. Trudeau and Nixon Jab Each Other

Though politicians are meant to keep their composure, the cookie doesn’t always crumble that way. Take this historical confrontation between Richard Nixon and Pierre Trudeau: when Trudeau was informed of the choice words Nixon had for him, he replied, “I've been called worse things by better people."

Canada Dept. of External Affairs on Wikimedia

19. Shakespeare’s Done Thy Mother

Okay, so technically it wasn’t Shakespeare, but this insult did come from his play Titus Andronicus. When asked by Chiron and Demetrius what he did, Aaron replies, “Thou which thou canst not undo.” Chiron then throws the accusation: “Thou hast undone our mother,” only for Aaron to say, “Villain, I have done thy mother.” 

Isaac Jaggard and Edward Blount (17th-century printers); Folger Shakespeare Library (photographer) on Wikimedia

20. Roger Ebert on Caligula

For those who haven’t seen it, we’ll spoil it now. Caligula was…not good. It was long and boring and hedonistic, and is frequently remembered for how terrible it was. The biggest roast came from Roger Ebert in his review: "Caligula is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. [...] People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty.” He then admitted that he left after two hours—and the movie still wasn’t done. 

Sound Opinions on Wikimedia