How Could We Forget These Kooky Contraptions? 

The wheel, compasses, penicillin—for centuries, brilliant minds have contributed revolutionary inventions that changed the course of history. But with so many under our belt, a lot of them never really panned out. It’s time to dive back into the weirder side of history with twenty inventions everyone completely forgot about. 

Sanutarium Equipment Company on Wikimedia

1. Safety Coffins

Being buried alive seems like our worst nightmare, but today’s folk can fluff that off as a cheap movie trope. Back in the 18th and 19th centuries, however, not so much. Premature burial was common enough that safety measures were implemented as early as 1792. Coffins came fitted with air tubes, bell signals, and even Morse code to alert anyone of accidental burials. 

Antoine Wiertz on Wikimedia

2. A New Mousetrap

Did you have a rodent problem in the 1800s? Not anymore! This excessive device tried to reinvent the mousetrap by rigging a firearm to blast any poor rat in the face. It was patented by John Williams in 1882, and “could be used in connection with a door or window” to also target any intruders. 

James A. Williams on Wikimedia

3. Spruce Veneer Bathing Suits

If you have a little lumber left over after building your house from scratch, don’t worry—there’s a solution. Introducing spruce veneer bathing suits, the affordable, fashion-forward option for ladies everywhere. Gray Harbor Lumber advertised the “Spruce Girls” campaign in 1929; women could wear veneer sheets for a modern suit that recycled leftover wood. 

UW Digital Collections on Wikimedia

4. Baby Cage

Hey, even prisoners get time in the yard. The same was true of Victorian babies, left to their own devices in a cage parents strapped to their windows. To make matters worse, these cages were mainly sold to apartment dwellers as a way to give their children “fresh air.” Thankfully, the idea never really caught on. 

Inventor Emma Read, by Watson E. Coleman Attorney. on Wikimedia

5. Edison’s Phonograph Doll

As if vintage dolls weren’t creepy enough. Thomas Edison invented these demonic dolls in 1877, and even the children of yesteryear found them terrifying. Not only did this thing need to be hand-cranked before singing a nursery rhyme, it was also prone to distortion. It hit the market in 1890, but the sales were so poor that they were eventually pulled. 

Mabalu on Wikimedia

6. Goodyear Illuminated Tires

You’ve heard of car modifications, but in 1961, Goodyear took it a step further with fully illuminated tires. Yes, that’s right, the tire conglomerate initially sold the idea to match your wife’s outfit and your car’s paint job. It seemed cool on the surface until everyone noticed how poorly they handled…and that they melted during hard braking. 

Daniel Gallaway on Unsplash

7. Exercising Device

Are you tired of not working your jaw enough during mealtime? Could Charles G. Purdy interest you in his “exercising device”? In 1921, this contraption was invented to “supply the necessary exercise of the muscles” that modern dishes seemed to take away. Anything for a stellar jawline.  

Oliver Augustijn on Unsplash

8. Mustache Guard

Was anything more important than a man’s mustache in 1876? Virgil Gates didn’t think so, which is exactly why he made this handy shield for the ol’ cookie duster. It was a simple piece that slid over your stache to protect it from any food or drink. It might seem weird, but variations of that concept still exist today!

daveyll on Wikimedia

9. Automatic Tip Requester

You might hate today’s tipping culture, but how would you feel about an automatic arm that shot out and demanded money—and then chastised insufficient amounts? Russell E. Oakes had a lot of crazy inventions, but perhaps none wilder than this one, made for bellhops in the 1950s. All you had to do was slide your coins into the hand’s slot…and make sure it was enough before the “No Sale” sign popped up. 

Jorgen Hendriksen on Unsplash

10. Soybean Car

As much as we love the planet, we aren’t so sure about a soybean car. That didn’t stop Henry Ford and George Washington Carver from their concept in 1941, though. Their vehicle was built with plastics derived from soybeans, corn, and wheat and was meant to run on hemp fuel. However, this eco-friendly option fell by the wayside due to WWII manufacturing needs. 

John Lloyd on Wikimedia

11. Dynasphere

In 1930, John Archibald Purves had a vision. It was a little weird and based on one of Da Vinci’s concepts, but a vision nonetheless. Say hello to the dynasphere, a monowheel vehicle that Purves eventually tweaked to seat up to eight people. Just don’t brake too hard and you’ll be fine. 

The Saint Paul globe on Wikimedia

12. Vibrating Belt

Do you want the perfect physique without any exercise? No problem! Simply strap this miracle belt to your waist and vibrate your problems away. (We’re kidding, these obviously didn’t work.) Initial designs were made by Gustav Zander in the 19th century, but these things really made a splash in the ‘50s and ‘60s. Either way, it was a bust. 

Sanutarium Equipment Company on Wikimedia

13. Anti-Eating Face Mask

Speaking of weight loss, may we direct your attention to this wonderful Hannibal-esque mask? In 1982, Lucy L. Barmby was awarded a patent for her “anti-eating face mask.” It practically looked like a muzzle and was peddled as a great solution for housewives tempted to taste test their meals at home. 

Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels

14. Radio Hat

Before Walkmans and iPods, people needed the news somehow! Enter the radio hat, a dandy pith helmet from 1949 made by the Merri-Lei Corporation. Considering pocket radios were still a few years away, this little guy actually did pretty well for itself—it even came in a variety of fashionable colors.  

Radio-Electronics staff, Avery Slack photographer. on Wikimedia

15. Madame Rowley’s Toilet Mask

Unfortunately, you read that correctly. Otherwise known as a “face glove,” this 19th-century mask was made to clear blemishes and imperfections. Though it looks terrifying (and it was), this concept made its way to our world with similar contraptions that promised the same stuff. Thanks a lot, Helen.  

Dinç Tapa on Pexels

16. Cat Mew Machine

Okay, so maybe you don’t want to shoot a mouse in the face. That’s okay—this Japanese invention from 1963 has a more humane suggestion. This mechanical cat's head had light-up eyes and would meow ten times per minute to scare away rodents. 

Adél Grőber on Unsplash

17. Piano for the Bedridden

You may be sick, but that’s no reason to turn your back on music. In 1935, bedridden people were afforded the chance to play piano on this foldable instrument. It opened like a drawer to meet you in bed and let anyone under the weather bring back the music. 

Nationaal Archief on Wikimedia

18. UroClub

We’re jumping ahead a few years, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention some of the craziest inventions of the 21st century. May we never forget the UroClub, the golf club invented by Florida urologist Floyd Seskin. If you ever had to relieve yourself on the course, simply drape the attached towel over your junk and empty your bladder into the club. Then, hope no one notices what you’re very obviously doing. 

Mikhail Nilov on Pexels

19. Necomimi

It’s always a little weird when a seemingly useless item preys on our brainwaves, especially cat ears. In 2011, neurowear launched a cat ear headband with a brain wave sensor that essentially let your thoughts control the ears’ activity. Oddly enough, other animals were soon brought into the mix, as were other parts…like a movable tail. 

Osamu Iwasaki on Wikimedia

20. Selfie Toaster

“Selfie” culture isn’t really going anywhere, but its boom in the 2010s spawned some pretty insane inventions, namely the selfie toaster. In 2014, Galen Dively of the Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation made this kitchen gadget for anyone who wanted to butter pictures of themselves in the morning. Make fun all you want, but sales were through the roof. 

Nicola Barts on Pexels